SA #1: I’m Genuinely Surprised, When Someone Wants to Hang Out With Me

mushy

I’m feeling very sad and frustrated with myself, because I feel like I have messed up a good thing I had going for myself – a good friendship.

I met a couple of girls at the internship I worked at, and we were all pretty good friends. All of us were chemical engineers, and when we returned to school, would be in most of the same classes together.

But I messed the relationships up, as I tend to do.

On the first day of class, I didn’t sit with them. I was trying to find other people to sit with, so that I could make more friends and wouldn’t have to be so clingy on my internship friends. I didn’t want to bother them.

Adding to that reason, I also wanted to expand my network in order to find other people I could get homework help with. I didn’t want to just depend on my internship friends, and bug them. I also didn’t want them to see, how much help I would need, because they’re all so smart, and I’m of such average intellect, I didn’t want to slow them down, so I stayed away.

Finally, the last reason, I figured they had other groups of friends at school before we met at the internship, and I didn’t want to just assume that I was going to be part of that circle, so I didn’t sit with them in case they were wanting to save seats for other people they wanted to see more. I didn’t want to be in the way. I would have been very embarrassed if I hadn’t read the signals right and ended up overstepping my boundaries, if they ended up just letting me sit with them out of politeness rather than because they wanted to.

I figured things would be different at school than at the internship. We led different lives at school. We were close in the internship, but I figured that was only because we had each other, and now that at school we were surrounded by more people our age, someone like me was not needed to fill the gaps in the social circle.

But, as I tend to do, I apparently read all these signals wrong.

I noticed that they sat together, and didn’t really seem to know that many people, and clung to each other the first week. They sat together in many classes. That surprised me. I was expecting all of us to go our separate ways, and just politely talk to each other every now and then.

I felt embarrassed. I wanted to say hi since they were sitting so close, but they had now made friends with the other people at their table, and I didn’t want to intervene in their circle/interrupt their conversation. I’m very awkward when it comes to conversation. I only talk to the people that are in my immediate vicinity (that is, my left and right), so I didn’t talk to them, and I guess that must have come off as rude, and like I was avoiding them.

Eventually, they invited me to sit with them, and commented that one of the guys sitting at their table was really dumb, and they preferred me to him. I felt scared by that. I knew I was not that smart, and I didn’t want to make a fool of myself and have them see me just like they see that dumb guy. I was uncomfortable the whole time I sat with them, because I couldn’t work out the class question by myself, and I didn’t want to ask them for help and burden them to explain it to me, so I just took the zero.

I realized I couldn’t go on like that; I wasn’t comfortable enough in their group to ask for help, and I would fail if I stayed. So I left and went back to my old table for the next class. And, tends to be the case, they misunderstood that as me dissing them, I think.

They don’t try and talk to me as much anymore. And it’s my fault. From the outside looking in, it really does look like I snubbed them, but it’s all just a huge misunderstanding. I want their friendship and to talk again, but I don’t want them to find out how much help I need to get my engineering coursework done, or how slow I really am.

I know, I know, the solution is: communication. Just let them know what’s up and you’ll clear the air. But young people (like me) are stupid, and I’m just too shy to go up to them and say, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I have been ignoring you.” Just to avoid feeling awkward, they’ll say, “We weren’t thinking that at all!” and I’ll just feel humiliated for taking that first step.

So, I’m sad, that I’ve lost that relationship, and I don’t think I can mend it, because I’m too proud, shy, and embarrassed to do anything about it. They even said that they wanted to hang out with me a while back, and I was genuinely surprised anyone would want to hang out with me outside of class. I’m a great person so have around, I think, but only for like the 10 to 15 minutes total of chatting time we get before and after class. I don’t think I’m a very fun person outside of that. So I’m always flattered when someone wants to actually get to know me.

It’s too bad I messed up that friendship. It took months to cultivate. This is just one of the many, many instances of me messing up my relationships with other people because of my insecurities, not knowing what I’m worth, and thinking they’re too good for me, and why would they want me as a friend?

I know there is no advice you all can give me. I know what I should do, but as mentioned, I’m too stupidly proud and stubbornly shy to do so. I don’t want to be dismissed, and show my vulnerabilities to them. I will feel like I have lost… somehow. Given in first.

So I’ll continue living my awkward, shy life and keep ranting about all my other social anxiety problems on here haha. Thank you for reading, if you read this far.

 

 

I Can’t Do It All, Can’t Make It Work (Life is too Short)

hourglass

The last time I posted here, I had just begun (August 2015) an internship as a process engineer at a well-established company. I am a chemical engineering student, so I took the year off of school in order to gain work experience.

I finally finished up my internship this past August 2016.

The internship was great: I made a lot of money and met a lot of incredible people. The work itself, however, not so much – which is the worrisome part.

I’m too far into my degree to turn back now; I have exerted too much blood, sweat, and tears working hard through my classes to throw it all away. Especially because, from an outsider’s perspective, I’m on track for a successful life. But you know what they say – success if what you define it to be.

What am I defining as success? I like the approval of others, so in the future I would want them to see that I studied and graduated with a challenging major,  am making lots of money, have a respectable job, lead a healthy nutritional lifestyle, keep up with my fitness, am writing a book, and succeeding in the real estate business (plus add husband /or/ wife, and kids to all of that).

But that’s ridiculous. I can’t do all of that. I can’t properly do everything I want to do and live a stress-free life. It frustrates me that I can’t.

Honestly, I just want to be happy. I don’t really care about making a lot of money (I’m a simple person), but I can’t just think about myself; I have to think about my future family and their needs, about my aging parents and their needs, and about my dreams of writing a book and starting a real estate business and the financial needs that THAT will entail.

The core of my conflict right now is that:

I need my chemical engineering job to be: my money-making mule to fund writing my book and the big plans I have for it, and to fund the purchasing of properties for my real estate business.

I need my writing of the book to be: the hobby that brings me joy, that hopefully will entertain other people of my similar taste frequency, and that hopefully I can also make money out of.

I need my real-estate business to be: the passive-income earner, the business that will allow me to quit my high-paying chemical engineering job and live off of my rental properties, no matter how meager the returns, as long as they are steady.

Bottom line: I don’t want to be or work as a chemical engineer, but I want to do it because I want to earn their crazy high salaries in order to help me achieve my other two goals. And once I achieve those two, I want to retire early, so that I can live the rest of my life doing the things I enjoy.

But I’m a realist, and a very pragmatic person with economic sense. My internship made me realize, that I come home exhausted from work. I barely have time to cook, shower, relax, and then sleep. Only to start it all over again the following day. And that was just with me living alone. Can you imagine the responsibilities once I have a family? Where in that schedule could I even fit the ambitions of founding a real estate business or writing a book? Nowhere. Maybe my weekends. But do I really want to spend my weekends working when I could be relaxing and recovering in order to face yet another grueling week of work?

It makes me sad, that I am starting to see my future, and I can’t fit in everything I want to do. I’m feeling trapped. I’m feeling like I’m slowly working towards wasting my life away. Every day I tell myself – “I’ll work on the book a little today” or “I’ll read up on real estate a little today,” but something always gets in the way. Right now, it’s school. Engineering is a rough major; I must study all the time if I want to pass my classes. And being on scholarship, I can’t risk slipping. Every time I’m not studying, I must be either working on my fitness, relaxing, or sleeping, because I need to recover. I can’t “work” more (i.e. write my book or read up on real estate). I need my rest.

Each and every day, I edge close and closer to graduation, and I let myself just ride the wave of compliance, because I have no time to achieve anything else, and graduation date itself seems like a death sentence. The finish line after which I’ll be forced to join corporate America in order to survive and make ends meet. Sure, I’ll live a comfortable life outside of work, but I fear falling into depression because my work will make me so unhappy. My health will suffer because of my stress levels in such a fast-paced environment and the expectations laid down on young people so that I don’t get laid off/fired when ranking of performance comes around. I probably won’t have time for fitness, and if I do, it will cut into the time I could use to write my book or found my real estate business.

I will probably just settle into that mediocre lifestyle, and live and die as just “the average person.” I just wish I could do one amazing thing.

And it makes me sad, that so much potential, in me, and others who have ever had ambitions to be something else, are tamped down so quickly by reality.

How are you all hanging in there?

 

 

 

 

TENGO VIDA TODAVÍA! (Update: I’m not dead)

Hello to everyone that so kindly follows this blog!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. That was one of the things I didn’t want happening to this blog – it being abandoned. I believe it’s been 6 months since I last posted something. As I’m sure is the case for everyone else, life got in the way.

So many things have happened since I last posted, and I feel so much more uncertain about my future than I have ever been (I’m truly living my blog tag line, haha, not so sure about the bright, but I definitely can’t see what’s ahead for me at all)!

I think I will also use this blog as a bit of a kathartic release of all my anxieties and uncertainties about my life. I know, I know,… #firstworldproblems. I just don’t want my life to be wasted, and I want to make something out of it while I’m still young.

I’ll discuss in my next blog post “I can’t do it all” all the things that are bogging me down.